its all about location

The flames have to be shooting out of the top of my head by now, she thinks, and then she shivers with anticipation as she steps outside, barefoot and naked into the snowstorm. She plops down ass first into a small snowbank. A snowy pillow cradles her head as she lies back with a sigh and hears the hiss of the flames being squelched. “This is a great spot to make snow angels!” she murmurs dreamily as she starts to wave her arms and legs. She begins to feel the icy bite of the snow on her skin… but she cant stop the smile threatening to split her parched chapped lips. “This is bliss” she thinks…

She startles as she feels a hand on her shoulder, “wake up Missus you’re having a nightmare…” someone gently shakes her and she slowly begins to realize she is not really making snow angels … she tries to open her heavy eyelids and as she does she finds she is indoors, in a hospital bed. “Missus you’re having a fever dream” says the voice. “Let’s sit you up a bit and have a sip of icewater.” As gentle hands that seem to go with the voice help her sit up, she shivers again. The voice, whose face is still outside her fuzzy field of vision, says “awww look at you, your nightgown is soaked! You must be freezing.” She laughs thinking of her recent snow angels and how she had been frolicking in the snow just moments ago. “Lets help you into your slippers Dearie - then you can change your gown for a dry one in the bathroom, ok?” The hands help guide her colorfully knee socked feet to floor and into a pair of fuzzy Hello Kitty slippers. The bright faces of Kitty looking up at her are all she can focus on as she shuffles them and her feet one at a time in the direction the hand on her back gently guides her, towards the bathroom doorway. “You must have sweated through your gown during your fever. Dry off and change into this one, and let us know if you need help.” A towel and a soft purple night gown are given to her. She reaches up with her free hand to close the door behind her and she stops, stunned, looking at her hand. The skin on this hand seems almost papery dry, thin, freckled and translucent, the blue of viens showing. Was that really HER hand? She turns away from the door – still holding and turning her hand over in front of her face – flexing her bony fingers and staring at the pronounced outlines of her tendons moving over the back of her hand and knuckles in amazement – she realizes she is now directly in front of the mirror. The shock of two long white braids, as bright as the snowbank she had just imagined laying in make her pause again. She slowly lowers her offending hand and now sees her own dark eyes looking back at her from a familiar strangers wrinkled and lined face. She blinks several times and tries to focus on the face in the mirror. It smiles at her, eyes crinkling. And a laugh, bubbling up from somewhere inside her, comes out instead through the strangers mouth.

She starts shivering again and hears a voice from the other side of the door, “Babe? You ok?” Another jolt of surprise hits her when she hears the voice whispering right in her ear, “Sandi, wake up, you’re having a nightmare…” through a confused haze it slowly dawns on her that it’s her husband and that she's dreaming. She struggles to wake up in their cold bedroom, deep in the middle of a dark winter night, and even under the huge comforter and electric blanket they share, she feels cold and wet. She angrily realizes the hot flashes and accompanying night sweats have stuck yet again… She gets up to peel off her soaked clothing and blindly rummage through her dresser in the dark for a dry shirt and bottoms. She shivers and stumbles, still groggy, on her way to the bathroom.

Half awake, she turns on the bathroom light, and squints, both from the sudden brightness and from a fear of what she may still see in the mirror. But through her half closed eyes and fuzzy vision without her glasses, she is relieved to see her dark hair. Her eyes crinkle as she smiles and shakes her head at her reflection and thinks to herself, “and this is just the pre-phase of menopause… is it too much to ask that my next hot flash dreams have me swimming in Hawaii or Jamaica instead of frolicking in the snow?”

I used to be an anomaly...

In contemporary dictionaries the definitions for Geek and Nerd have changed significantly and are now very often synonymous or interchangeably used. The terms were often used to define or label a person who is preoccupied with - or very knowledgeable about computing, science or other technical disciplines to the point of being considered peculiar or odd by others. The “classification”, Geek or Nerd was often a negative one.

With the explosion of technology in the 21st century, and societies growing dependence on it, the Geek/Nerds have begun to use these titles as a self-reference and a badge of honor. It is often now a positive description denoting a technically competent person, with less implication on social awkwardness or peculiarity (but be advised, the terms can be still considered offensive or condescending when used by “outsiders”).

So with that said, I proudly then state, I am a Girl Geek. I can figure my way out of most computer or application/software troubleshooting scenarios. The time I spent as a helpdesk tech crawling under desks to resolve the very complicated tasks of plugging back in computer power cords or loosened network cables should prove that. And some people have told me recently, I must be a genius - since I am currently teaching former WindowsXP users how to navigate around their new Vista computers, or how to manage their Outlook email file size... so they don’t get blocked from sending those very important jpeg files. But truth be told, I’m far from having reached my true Geekess potential; I admit it to you here, I’m not all the Geek I can be.

I had the basics of the Geek media/entertainment thing going from a youngish age, I watched all the star trek series from the “Original Series” (had such a crush on Spock!) to “Next Generation”, some of “Deep Space Nine” and I even tried to watch Voyager for a while, as the combination of Star Trek and Scott Backula from Quantum leap intrigued me (ok I thought he was kinda cute too!). And I actually understand the comic book references on the Big Bang Theory Television show, and I could listen in and understand a debate of who would win in a DC vs Marvel universe hero show down.

But even as a Girl Geek I was intrigued by the stop in the action that would happen when I walked into a Nerd-haven, the comic book store. I was smugly amused by the awkward silence that followed me around as I hunted for my new Wonder Woman, Lady Death, Elektra, Kabuki, Spawn (the Angela issues), Cat Woman or Vampirella comic. I imagined them whispering to each other from the back of the store – pausing over their Dungeons and Dragons game, “Dude… is that a Girl? Looking for Comic?”

Why were women or girls so rare here in Geekdom? Why couldn’t we be interested in this realm as well? To that point I also collected female action figures (my Girl Geek/kick-ass versions of Barbie) – they now all live in my Mothers attic – but I would always buy one to open and display (ok “play with” or put out on my desk) and one to keep pristine (called MINT & NIB) – but my desire for hero/girl-power realism would be crushed as the scale of boob size to body made them disproportionate and yes cartoonish. Why?!?!, I ask – why? Why couldn’t my Lara Croft or Wonder Woman action figures – just have a normal bra size – seriously, could they really fight bad guys with triple Ds getting in the way? They were imagined, drawn and molded that way, because they weren’t made for me, or for the other Girl Geeks, they as so much here in Geekdom, were made for the boys.

And speaking of T&A, did Halle Berry’s character, Patience Phillips in the Catwoman movie, really have to rip up the costume we saw as iconic? The Selina Kyle/Catwoman costume was just as sexy or more so when worn whole by the likes of Eartha Kitt, Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, even Michelle Pfeiffer.

I feel that my quest and interest in comics and female actions figures is a spinoff of my love of Sci-Fi/fantasy, currently grouped together and now called “Speculative fiction.” I got hooked in middle school when I picked up a dog-eared copy of Ray Bradbury’s Martian chronicles, and then Isaac Asimov’s, I Robot. And even though my ventures into sci-fi started with those masters, I wasn’t drawn to the hard core stuff in general – once they start to discuss physics or quantum mechanics, my brain substituted space opera music while I’d skim over those parts... My favorites became the “fantasy” ones or the ones with tongue in cheek humor, Douglas Adams type stuff, Piers Anthony. And as a Girl Geek, I’ve began to seek out female authors to read, I discovered that Frankenstein by Mary Shelly is considered one of the first sci-fi novels. Contemporary female sci-fi writers I have sought out are Andre Norton, Ursula Le Guinn, Anne McCaffrey (named Grand Masters of science fiction by the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America) also Tanith Lee, James Tiptree Jr (yes a woman), C.J. Cherryh, Nalo Hopkinson, and Octavia Butler (an anomaly herself being not just a female sci-fi writer but one of a small number of African American female sci-fi writers, who tragically died as she was at a high point in her career a few years ago at the age of 58).

But as with some other aspects of my life, I find I’m again a wannabe. This time I’m a wannabe Nerd. I’m already established as Girl Geek (seen by Nerds as a fanboy – but a girl) but I need to take it and my “cred” up a notch. I want to be in the grown-up Nerd know. I want to read Wired, Scientific America, Popular Science, Discover, Gizmag and Macworld and understand everything they are saying or at least be interested in it...

And to do this, to take my Geekdom to the next level, I may have to let my grip on the fun side out of my grasp and go the grown up route – to the “Dark Side” if you will… As a professional woman approaching 50 (gasp!) I feel I cannot proudly wear my Girl Geek colors out loud in my non-corporate time – to my amazement it seems to cause embarrassment to the conservatives who are my best friends and family.

So hopefully my younger Girl Geek sisters and future Nerdesses are growing in numbers to represent those of us who are oppressed or feel that for the sake of our non-geek friends and families, we need to sulk quietly, like me with my wonder Woman, or Catwoman t-shirts hidden away under my cardigan. My younger or bolder sisters – can live out loud, and represent in goth girl gear, or show up at a comic con in super heroine or villainess costume... and they hopefully know they don’t have to be all T&A about it.

But sadly they will whip out the T&A – because even here in Geekdom… where we used to be anomalies... we all know it’s still a man’s world.